Motherhood + Finding Gratitude in the Garden

Today, I sat out in the garden for about an hour, right smack dab in the center. With a hoe on my lap and my sunhat settled perfectly over my ears, I enjoyed the gentle breeze and the sun shining on my shoulders and ankles. There was a certain mole I was waiting for. For all of my animal lovers, yes, my plan was to kill him swiftly and precisely, much to my own dislike. There had been another mole caught over the weekend, and while that was hard enough to do, he brought a friend along with him. And this friend had already destroyed three of my Swiss Chard seedlings and attacked my kale. While I still feel bad about it, I had just spent the entire weekend planting our kitchen garden on my hands and knees in hopes to feed our family for a majority of the year. It was my food or the mole, the my food would continue to win. 

While I sat watching the tender seedlings blow in the breeze under the sun's warm gaze, I couldn't believe that this was mine. This entire plot, the greenhouse, and the chicken coop yards behind me were mine to use and enjoy as I pleased. It was kind of surreal. This picture I had been envisioning in my mind was a reality, and even as I type this, it still seems like a dream. I was so grateful for all that had come to within four short months and a vision later, and I started to follow the path I had made in only three years to get here. 

It wasn't too long ago that I was sitting at my boyfriend's kitchen table arguing over why I was so moody. I had been continuously proposing that we just not to go college. Why did we need to? Why not go travel and do all of the things we had been daydreaming about for the summer, the things we kept saying we would do when our lives "started"? It wasn't much later that I discovered Tad would be coming along, and I knew that I couldn't give him up. Destiny was pushing me in a different direction, so I just walked along with it. How I ended up becoming a gardener... that still seems strange to me, but I know that it has everything to do with becoming a mother. 

With my third Mother's Day in passing, I've witnessed my own personality develop and change, quickly becoming more aged than I would have been without a child on my hip. There are now several white hairs lying in with my mousy brown and silvered stretch marks on the tops of my thighs and other places. I still surprised by my own interests developing. There is still so much room for development within my own personality, and each time I uncover a new interest, it's like finding a hidden treasure. The ideas just keep tumbling, and I think it so mesmerizing to me because it was only a short time ago that I felt so trapped. I felt like I settled for what life had handed me, a bad relationship, a societal trap, and no room to grow. My ideas felt squashed and as if they were a burden. All of the books and things I had tried writing felt stuck just underneath the surface, desperately trying to break free, and dying out without any type of nourishment from me. 

And while motherhood can feel like a cage somedays, one that you just cannot seem to escape without consequences, I have never felt more free. I took a completely different path than my fellow peers, one that seemed daunting and wrong, but now feels like a dream come true. I've had days to sit and just think, to just breathe and not stress about what lies ahead for me, and in turn that granted me a long pause of time to figure out what I really wanted. Now I have the wonderful opportunity to continue learning at my own pace, to extend the knowledge of my business and my craft, and to do it all while raising a small human who I know will grow up with the same thrill for following passions like his mother.

Here is to not feeling trapped and giving our babes the power to feel freedom of creativity, of life, of love. It's just over the next hill.

xoxo Kayla